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Author
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Topic: Headlines you may have missed
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Anti Em
Self-Made User
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posted September 29, 2001 08:28 AM
 
What with all the reporting on the terrorist activities, the media hasn't had a lot of time to devote to some of the other important things happening around the world. I've felt this dearth of information, so while I was standing in line at the grocery store the other day, I took a few moments to catch up on some of the latest headlines, offered by the Weekly World News.There's some crazy shit happening, people. You aren't going to believe this . . . - Man's Head Explodes in Barber's Chair "There was a flash - then brains flew everywhere!"
Freeport, Bahamas -- A heated argument over two boxing champions caused Larry Wilonovik to blow up - literally! Says barber John Foricelli, "I'll never forget how he looked still sitting there in my chair, with his head gone." - Woman With 4 Legs Opens Dance Studio
Houston, TX -- When last we checked in with Ashley Braistle seven years ago, the four-legged bride had just walked down the aisle with her dream man, plumber Wayne Braistle. Wayne is definitely a leg man. Ashley was reported dead in a skiing accident in 1996, but those reports proved to be incorrect. Now the couple says they couldn't be happier. Ashley has opened up her own dance studio, where she teaches modern dance and tap.
- Rub the Famous Magic Fish and get Anything You Want!
Brasilia, Brazil -- Thousands of Weekly World News readers around the globe have enjoyed amazing good fortune with the help of the Magic Fish - and so can you! All you have to do is gently rub the photograph of the fish the appears on these pages and wish for the good luck to come your way, experts say. Here are some of the strangest "fish stories" of the past few years: "Magic Fish saved me from killer earthquake!"
"Magic Fish gave us a huge family!"
"Magic Fish got me the perfect butt!" - Lake Champlain Monster Attacks Oil Tanker
Sao Miguel, Portugal -- The Lake Champlain Monster, believed to be en route to Scotland to battle Nessie, plowed into an empty Norwegian oil tanker in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and bowled the 20-ton vessel over. "From what I saw of this hellish sea monster, Nessie doesn't have a prayer," said Bjorn Nygaard, captain of the doomed ship. . . . and finally . . . - BAT BOY HEADED FOR NY FBI: This is our chance to catch him!
New York, NY -- Law enforcement officials have thrown up a wall of security around a Manhattan theater, after a report surfaced that the elusive Bay Boy is headed to the Big Apple to crash an off-Broadway musical based on his life! FBI Agents reportedly plan to set up giant nets around the theater and in the rafters, in a desperate attempt to snare the creature that has eluded them for weeks.
And that was just from one paper! Have you guys heard of other crazy shit happening in the world like this stuff? ----------------
It's the end times!!
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Jesse Dangerously
Self-Made User
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posted September 29, 2001 08:47 AM
Weekly World News is the only tasteful tabloid.IP: Logged |
DaveInACar
Self-Made User
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posted September 29, 2001 11:40 AM
I dunno, the Enquirer has some pretty useful information. Did you know that hand grenades can kill demons?IP: Logged |
popechuck
Self-Made User
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posted September 29, 2001 11:43 AM
When I was little (10 or so) a friend and I used to make a news show using weekly world news headlines, and appropriate props. Unfortunately all of those videos have been destroyed. I think the Bat Boy was responsible.------------------
Whatever Chuck says,
Somebody will disagree.
Even if he's Pope.
-Lord Cavity
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Jesse Dangerously
Self-Made User
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posted October 01, 2001 09:20 AM
Every other tabloid rag is horrifying right wing old lady hate literature, with clucking tongues for human interest.The name of the game is disdain. "Oh look at all these homos!" "Oh look at all these sex freaks!" "Oh look at all this cellulite!" The Onion's JonBenet Ramsey article appeared, at first, to be in outrageously poor taste, and all but unforgivable, until you think about the tabloid readers for a second. Then you see that the article is a quiet scream. If only some of them might read the onion and recieve their wakeup call. IP: Logged |
MsChilePepper
Self-Made User
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posted October 01, 2001 02:05 PM
I used to work with this woman, Joyce, who read tabloids like the Enquirer and believed every word, because she'd read true stories in it about her cousin, actor Ken Berry (was on Mayberry RFD). So she believed.Also, my grandmother is a Believer. With a Capital B. Once, she read in one of those rags that there would soon be a mayonnaise shortage, so she went out and bought several cases of Miracle Whip. Which, #1, is not mayonnaise, and B, you could make your own dang mayonnaise with eggs and oil if you had to. She couldn't see the logic of this, however. She's a batty old thing. But I love the Weekly World News. Years ago I worked in a card/gift shop that sold magazines and newspapers, and every week, the other clerk and I would pee ourselves laughing at the crap they printed. I'd love to sit in on one of their staff meetings sometime.
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Jeanine IP: Logged |
cheezdanish
Self-Made User
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posted October 01, 2001 02:39 PM
Favorite WWN headline:Baby Born With Candle on Head: LIT! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! IP: Logged |
tv's Spatch
Shuttlecock
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posted October 02, 2001 02:04 AM
Oh, but the WWN has its share of right-wing morality plays -- witness the "Ed Anger" columns or "Dear Dotti", which I swear was Dr. Laura's inspiration. In fact, this week the WWN cover simply says "Ed Anger takes on Osama Bin Laden -- Need we say more?" and, I'm guessing (and this is an education guess here) the term "towelhead" appears more'n once in "Ed's" erudite commentary.I wonder about the writers and editors of the paper. Do they take it all in fun? Do they believe themselves to be cleverly and subversively satirizing the tabloids and events? Or do they have a pro wrestling kay fabe attitude towards it all? IP: Logged |
Kaligus
Scrappy Doo
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posted October 02, 2001 02:28 AM
I had a back yard radio station when I was a youngun, gave me great joy to broadcast over the top of Paul Harvey at lunch time 'cause most of the ladies (my mom included unfortunately) in the neighborhood listened to Paul...I would interview other neighborhood kids and we came up with some pretty screwey stuff all by our lonesomes, my mom of course recorded it fairly often without telling me until recently.I have found that you can always learn something from the tabloid that is really useful, but you have to read through the massive pile of junk first!
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What kind of cerial was that again?
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Jesse Dangerously
Self-Made User
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posted October 02, 2001 07:23 AM
Good point, Spatch. I saw the new cover last night and quickly revised my opinion of WWN with new reservations.I should also mention that the NEED WE SAY MORE caption graced a picture of bin Laden's head in a crosshairs. Maybe it is satirical. If it is, it's certainly integrated itself into the mainstream of its target very admirably. I wonder, if it is satire, if that frustrates them at all? IP: Logged |
jarbabyj
Scrappy Doo
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posted October 02, 2001 08:33 AM
quote:
Rub the Famous Magic Fish and get Anything You Want!
Hey, this is what I tell all my dates. IP: Logged | |
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