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Author
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Topic: Cute/smart/funny/biting responses
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DramaShrink
Self-Made User
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posted June 25, 2001 06:38 PM
  
I'm sure that there are brunchers out there who have been asked those age-old questions "Why aren't you married yet?" and "When are you getting married?". Even if you haven't been asked those, you probably heard them before.I'm collecting cute/smart/funny/biting responses to those questions, and having seen all the weird things on the UBB, I would love to see what kind of responses you people could give me. When you come up with something, please include your real first name, because I'd like to give credit where credit is due. And the funnier the response, the better. Thanks a million  ------------------
"Smile. It increases your face value." - "Truvy" from "Steel Magnolias." "A friend is someone with whom you can make a fool of yourself without it being permanent." - Harmonious
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Spifferito
Cereal Subunit
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posted June 25, 2001 07:21 PM
Well I've been TRYING to get married! It's just so darn HARD when you keep eating your mate after sex.Well, I'm kinda seeing someone. I'm assexual you know. *pause for satisfied smile and sounds* I'm sorry, what were you saying? Peh, those don't deserve my real name. IP: Logged |
Y2Karen
Cereal Subunit
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posted June 25, 2001 07:24 PM
I got an e-mail once with lots of good responses ... let me find it.Aha. Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?" ** You haven't asked yet.
** I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
** Because I just love hearing this question.
** Just lucky, I guess.
** It gives my mother something to live for.
** My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
** It didn't seem worth a blood test.
** I already have enough laundry to do.
** It would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
** My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
** I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
** They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
** I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
** What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
** I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
** Why aren't you thin?
** I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
** Because having a husband and a child would be redundant. Now, I normally delete (without reading) things like this that people forward to me ... so it should tell you something that I kept this around. (My favorite? "Just lucky, I guess.") [This message has been edited by Y2Karen (edited June 25, 2001).] IP: Logged |
madjad
Self-Made User
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posted June 25, 2001 07:41 PM
The credit goes to my brilliant cousin (or her brilliant web-surfing):to an elderly relative who asks "Why aren't you married yet?": "Why aren't you dead yet?" It does get the point across. IP: Logged |
Hallam
Cereal Subunit
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posted June 26, 2001 05:52 AM
"How many times a week do you masturbate?What? Oh, I thought we were playing that game where each person has to come up with n intrusive personal question. I rather thought I'd won" I can't take credit for this, because I read it on another message board. ------------------
Fast and Bulbous!
That's right, The Mascara Snake, fast and bulbous. Also, a tin teardrop.
Bulbous, also tapered.
That's right.
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Boggle
Self-Made User
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posted June 26, 2001 06:25 AM
2 responses that are good/funny/shite depending on your point of view:
"Why arent you married yet..."
"Well they say marriage is an institution...im just not ready to go into an institution just yet.....""Why arent you married yet..."
"Because i think marriage isnt just a word, its a sentence....."
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nebulous menace
Self-Made User
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posted June 26, 2001 07:07 AM
"Why do you ask?"
Then stay silent as they flounder. IP: Logged |
Stranger than Fishing
Self-Made User
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posted June 26, 2001 07:18 AM
Because I think marriage is a false facade which represents everything that is wrong with the current state of realtionships in this world.It represents a forced choice upon us all to boast about our feelings and show ff to all the woprld how great we are and how much all the 'non-married' people suck. Anyone who eters into this false state of affection is just following an out-dated principle and pandering to make themselves feel more important than they really are. so... how's your husband/wife? Note: I don't AGREE with the above, it would just be funny  IP: Logged |
OpticBoom
Self-Made User
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posted June 26, 2001 10:35 AM
"...when they find out what I did to the last girl I asked to marry me, they usually move without leaving a forwarding address, change their names, and join the witness protection program... I wonder if it's my deodorant...""I'm trying as hard as I can not to get divorced before I'm 30" "I took one look at your marriage and decided there was too much of a risk that'd happen to me." "My doctor says I shouldn't risk the possibility of passing on my violent-reactions-to-personal-questions gene." "She might feed me after midnight." "I don't want to give up sex." "Spooning with only one woman seems like missing the point to me... don't you agree?" "What's a 'married'?" "Why don't you burn in hell?!?!?" "Where do you think I got this caustic attitude? BAPTISM?" "Questions like that are like kittens... they go crunch when you step on them just right." and my personal favorite:
"Because my people would come back for me if they found out... and then your species would be enslaved." -Kenneth W. Bruns ------------------
No asses were whooped in the making of this post.
-Maimy [This message has been edited by OpticBoom (edited June 27, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Nevah Altavaris Entitar
Self-Made User
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posted June 26, 2001 12:12 PM
"Because I want to avoid a messy cross-breeding incident.""When I get bored dating the wallenda triplets I guess I'll join you in the bowels of hell." "Because I would have to give up my lifelong ambition of playing a polka on an accordion made of human flesh skinned off of 100 different dates." This has been... departures from reality. IP: Logged |
DramaShrink
Self-Made User
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posted June 26, 2001 01:45 PM
These are hysterical. Keep them coming.------------------
"Smile. It increases your face value." - "Truvy" from "Steel Magnolias." "A friend is someone with whom you can make a fool of yourself without it being permanent." - Harmonious
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Stranger than Fishing
Self-Made User
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posted June 27, 2001 01:42 AM
When are you getting married?When your spouse leaves you. IP: Logged |
megalita
Cereal Subunit
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posted June 27, 2001 09:19 AM
Something I say on a regular basis anyway:"I'm not ever getting married (again). I'm just going to date the same guy forever, and send him home everytime I get sick of him." IP: Logged |
Nevah Altavaris Entitar
Self-Made User
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posted June 27, 2001 01:06 PM
"I don't think I'm going to get married. I'm just going to find some woman I don't like and give her my house."I forget who said that but it hasn't been mentioned yet. IP: Logged |
madjad
Self-Made User
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posted June 27, 2001 09:23 PM
two more:1. because I haven't met a man who will let me keep my house boy, Raoul. 2. (to paraphrase a musical I just saw): if I must serve a man hand and foot, I prefer to be paid for it. IP: Logged |
DramaShrink
Self-Made User
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posted June 28, 2001 02:41 PM
Madjad, you gave me this:
quote:
why aren't you dead yet?
You're right. It does get the point across, but it's rather macabre, don't you think? I do love the latest two.Stranger, you gave me this:
quote:
When your spouse leaves you
I got a variation on that one: I'm just waiting for my lover to divorce you.Thanks everybody for all this great stuff. Keep them coming ------------------
"Smile. It increases your face value." - "Truvy" from "Steel Magnolias." "A friend is someone with whom you can make a fool of yourself without it being permanent." - Harmonious
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madjad
Self-Made User
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posted June 28, 2001 07:00 PM
No offence to any happily married or involved persons out there, but I think we need a new group of brunchers.The Anti-Brigette Joneses. Those of us who don't need an arm accessory to enjoy a social event. **commence inspirational music here** Those of us who will not put our social lives on hold just because we can't brag about how many anniversaries we've had. We who won't stay in a relationship with someone who is abusive or unsuited just so that we aren't alone. (and, of course, those of us whose idea of a long term committment letting them stay for breakfast) So walk into that wedding with your head held high, Dramashrink, and see how many of the groomsmen you can finagle into propositioning you. (watch their dates go green with jealousy!) Be mysterious, be bold, be dramatic, and above all, be single! (P.S. - yes, I am sure all of you married/involved people are very happy and have chosen the perfect mate, and no there isn't anything wrong with that. However, my point is - if this sledgehammer hasn't actually smacked you in the forebrain - that there isn't anything wrong with the opposite either. Besides, shouldn't you say that we need this group, since we're all single and we don't have anyone else except our cats?) [This message has been edited by madjad (edited June 28, 2001).] IP: Logged |
Five Tons of Flax
Self-Made User
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posted June 28, 2001 07:35 PM
madjad, what's a "social life"?IP: Logged |
Stranger than Fishing
Self-Made User
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posted June 29, 2001 01:13 AM
quote:
I'm just waiting for my lover to divorce you.
Yeah! That's what I was trying to say but... um... forgot the right word thingy's. ------------------
If the marble animal can lock the wood, does the marble animal lock which rank wood?
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Treasure
Self-Made User
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posted June 29, 2001 09:26 AM
Why aren't you married yet?I've got better things to do with my Saturday afternoons. I don't think it's legal to marry my dog/horse/computer/vibrator I want to have as many orgasms as I can while I'm young enough to enjoy them or my personal favourite...
PISS OFF. ------------------
"a plethora of cock is being blown." - Ogre
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OpticBoom
Self-Made User
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posted June 29, 2001 12:48 PM
because if I was married, my spouse would beat the holy screaming bejesus out of anyone who asked me such an obnoxious question, and I wouldn't want to have to bail him/her out after every party you came to.
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the1youwannaknow
Self-Made User
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posted June 29, 2001 01:06 PM
Hehe! I liked 'em all, but I must say OpticBoom's was the best.Well that's just my .02 IP: Logged |
babylonia
Self-Made User
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posted June 29, 2001 06:56 PM
"I think I would have to date first, and that would mean prying myself away from my computer, and that's unthinkable.""He'd have to move in with me and my roommates, and I don't think anyone would want that." "If I want 180 pounds of extra flesh hanging on to me, I'll gain weight." "My last boyfriend came out of the closet." "I'm afraid I'll get pregnant and have a child with a personality like yours." "Finding a mate who is also into jell-o pools and having sexual relations in dog shit is difficult." "I am getting married...the mail-order bride/groom service hasn't delivered yet." for men: "I can't legally marry my boyfriend."
for women: "I can't legally marry my girlfriend."
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babylonia
Self-Made User
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posted June 29, 2001 06:58 PM
BTW, this reminds me of a joke I saw somewhere."Whenever I'd go to weddings, I'd get annoyed by older folks poking me and saying 'you're next!' So, when I'd run into these same folks at a funeral, I'd poke them and say 'you're next!'" IP: Logged |
madjad
Self-Made User
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posted June 30, 2001 04:39 AM
Five Tons - sorry, looks like my hammer went right through your forebrain and into your medulla oblongata. So in language that does not go over or through your head:One can enjoy an active social life with OR without a significant other. (discuss amongst yourselves.) IP: Logged |
DramaShrink
Self-Made User
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posted June 30, 2001 07:23 PM
Of course one can enjoy an active social life without a spouse or significant other. It's just that 1) there are those who just would rather have a spouse or SO and 2) there are others who think that asking stupid, intrusive questions will make you find a spouse or SO faster.Here's one of my own contributions to this list: "I don't know. Maybe we should go into quiet rooms, meditate for a while, and then maybe someone will get the answer in a prophetic revelation." ------------------
"Smile. It increases your face value." - "Truvy" from "Steel Magnolias." "A friend is someone with whom you can make a fool of yourself without it being permanent." - Harmonious
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Toon
Shuttlecock
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posted June 30, 2001 09:30 PM
Note: the bit about the prophetic revelation is even funnier in Hebrew. (I don't know why. It just is.)A fun thing to do, if you're up to it, is scream at the top of your lungs "Because nobody loves me!", burst into tears, and run out of the room. Guaranteed to horribly embarrass whoever asked you. ------------------
-=> Toon "No, it's an omen! It's a higher power trying to tell me through bunnies that we're all going to die!"
-Anya in BtVS IP: Logged |
Devin Austra
Self-Made User
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posted June 30, 2001 10:40 PM
Simple question, simple answer. Because I HATE everyone! ------------------
Night breeds its own sort of anticipation. IP: Logged |
Treasure
Self-Made User
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posted July 01, 2001 07:40 AM
Toon, might try that one out. I've got to go to my cousin's wedding in September & I know I'm going to get random family members starting in on me, so I might as well have some fun. Last time I went to visit, my other cousin (married 8 yrs, kids aged 3 & 1, 5yrs older than me) asked me when I was going to start procreating. I pulled a disgusted face & said "when I find a man to make babies with", not the most imaginative response I admit.------------------
"a plethora of cock is being blown." - Ogre
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Y2Karen
Cereal Subunit
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posted July 01, 2001 05:36 PM
Luckily, I seem to be allergic to men.IP: Logged |
DramaShrink
Self-Made User
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posted July 01, 2001 07:23 PM
quote:
"I don't know. Maybe we should go into quiet rooms, meditate for a while, and then maybe someone will get the answer in a prophetic revelation."
Since Toon likes the Hebrew version better, here it is:"I don't know. Maybe we should go into quiet rooms, meditate for a while, and then maybe Hashem will send us the answer through Ruach HaKodesh "Hashem" is the term used in reference to God. "Ruach HaKodesh" means "divine spirit." By the way, thank you Toon. I also find the Hebrew version to be funnier, but I felt I ought to share a version that didn't require translation
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"Smile. It increases your face value." - "Truvy" from "Steel Magnolias." "A friend is someone with whom you can make a fool of yourself without it being permanent." - Harmonious
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OpticBoom
Self-Made User
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posted July 02, 2001 08:50 AM
babalonia and toon-BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! *OpticBoom Tries desperately not to pee himself at work* ------------------
No asses were whooped in the making of this post.
-Maimy IP: Logged |
RedTwo
Self-Made User
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posted July 02, 2001 09:11 AM
What Babs said was somebody's sig when I first came to the board...------------------
MORE SKIN ON LOVE BOAT! THIS IS L.H. PUTTGRASS, SIGNING OFF AND HEADING FOR THE TUB! babybabble IP: Logged |
madjad
Self-Made User
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posted July 02, 2001 03:31 PM
Thank you for the Hebrew - it seems so much fun just to say it (I think its the CHHH sound)!IP: Logged |
DramaShrink
Self-Made User
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posted July 03, 2001 07:46 AM
It is more fun to say it in the Hebrew way, although I never thought the "CHHH" sound was funny. The things you learn from brunchers...Here's one that was inspired by Toon (that is, she came up with part of it and I filled in the blanks):
"I'm still waiting for the state to legalize male slavery." ------------------
"Smile. It increases your face value." - "Truvy" from "Steel Magnolias." "A friend is someone with whom you can make a fool of yourself without it being permanent." - Harmonious
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OpticBoom
Self-Made User
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posted July 03, 2001 09:05 AM
*shrek inspired*"Nobody's gotten past the dragon yet..." "Didn't you know I've become a recluse?" "Most girls don't like men who bite in their sleep." "Dead girls can't get married, and nobody's survived my cooking yet..." "The voices aren't willing to share my attention with a REAL woman." "Girls take one look at my body hair and run screaming into the night... You'd think I was bigfoot."
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No asses were whooped in the making of this post.
-Maimy IP: Logged |
madjad
Self-Made User
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posted July 03, 2001 07:30 PM
DS: I didn't mean funny so much as purely enjoyable rolling off the palate. Speaking the words just plain feels good.Oh, and I got another one from my cousin: "Because I've got a computer, a telephone, maid service, pizza delivery and a vibrator -why the hell should I bother". (paraphrased from one of those "favourite sayings" lists that went around the e-mail ages ago) IP: Logged |
DramaShrink
Self-Made User
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posted July 04, 2001 08:06 AM
Madjad- either way, thanks. Here's one that I got from Harmonious:
If the one asking you is of the opposite sex, answer with, "Is that a proposal?" ------------------
"Smile. It increases your face value." - "Truvy" from "Steel Magnolias." "A friend is someone with whom you can make a fool of yourself without it being permanent." - Harmonious
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Sandrylene
Self-Made User
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posted July 04, 2001 11:26 AM
oh well my intended is still statutory. get back to me in a few years.IP: Logged |
Stehvelo
Self-Made User
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posted July 04, 2001 10:47 PM
I actually use this - "Because I have enough trouble already". Just quote Steve.------------------
"I've got the sun in the morning and the daughter at night and no-one to suck me" - mobile text message in its entirety, from Poju Lundqvist, May 11th
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