posted September 14, 2001 04:53 PM            

Cut of their Head: Guarenteed to stop all known vampires. and werewolves. and psychotic axe murderers. and just about anything else. Effective yet stupid. D+

Garlic: Another classic and I'm glad that the evil vampire, with the strengfth of twenty men, capable of shapeshifting and basic weather control, is scared of a basic spice (or herb?). And when vampires invade the planet it's nice to know that at least the humble garlic-farmer, much shunned, will once again be a valued and respected member of society. A

Daylight: 'AARRGHH! a vampire! hang about, I'll just open a window... sorted.' Daylight is the cowards way of defeating a vampire, real men would storm the castle, at night, with burning torches and pitchforks. And they would last long, but at least their mothers would be proud of them. E

posted September 14, 2001 09:50 PM            

Mustard Seeds: or sesame seeds, or the fibers on a broom, or a Biggie Fry, or whatever. Stops a vampire undead in his tracks, what with all the counting going on. Makes a good slow-them-till-sunrise stratagy, so long as Lestat de Lioncourt doesn't show up to the blood sucking bash with Raymond in tow. Otherwise, bad things will happen, definite exsanguinatian.B

Religious Symbols: Show 'em something holy and the vampire go a-running. Of course, holy is relative. Christian Vamps hold a distinct disadvantage here, what with the ease with which one can stumble across a cross, or even make one out of two sticks. A Jewish Vampire is tougher; you can't make a Star of David out of your fingers, not while they're all attached anyway. Once you get more obscure it really starts to suck. I mean, what do you do when a follower of Quetzalcatl, the winged serpant of Aztec comes after you? Me, I cry and run away, but I'm wondering about you here.C-

posted September 15, 2001 07:49 AM            

Decapitation AND coins (Albanian vampires).
OK, the coin's got to go in its mouth first, then you have to cut of its head with an axe. Which you must also spell with the 'e'. This technique is probably only any good if you're a world championship tiddly-winks player, because I sure as heck wouldn't want to pull some "Hey, look, I've got my head in its mouth...Aaaargh" stunt to try & get this one right. C unoriginal and useless)

Bury alive (Bohemia)
Or, bury dead, or...er undead...whatever. At a crossroads.
Have you ever tried to bury anyone alive? Let alone a super human magical blood sucking person? It ain't easy. Er, I'd imagine it wasn't easy. Not that I've ever tried. What would I know? Move along now, nothing to see here.
B I like a challenge.

Flower power (Bulgaria)
Chain to the grave with wild roses. For me this falls into the "What the hell's so scary about garlic?" category. Oh no! Roses, aaah, aaah, I am too weak to rip off their petals, etc.
C- I just don't believe it.

More beheading
Crete - boil head in vinegar
Greece - burn head.
So...does this mean the vampire's alive after you've cut it's head off? Does it's body stumble around all 'Frankenstien's monster'-like trying to snatch back it's head? At least this would distinguish between "I've conquered Dracula" and "Oh sh*t, that was a really convincing Goth"
B- because it's a bit more original than your straightforward decapitiation.

Stone to death - (Ireland)
Pile stones on the grave. Again, really lame. Do you think it kills him outright, or is it more a case that he can't get out and starves to death? Anyway, it's pretty useless for the twenty-first century, since all Buffy'd need to do would be to hot wire a JCB and gravel the cemetary.
B Novel. If hopeless.

Hot oil - (Macedonia)
Pour boiling oil (boiling, mind you, no simmering oil, that just won't do, nu'uh). then, presumably whilst the vamp is going "aargh, the bastard poured boiling oil on me, I wasn't expecting that" you drive a nail through its belly button. The effects of Garlic infused oil are unknown.
B+ Just complicated enough to give the vamps a sense of pride.

Stupid defence - (Poland)
Bury face downwards.
I can't begin to express my disgust with this one. Like, a)see above comments regarding the difficulty of burying anyone who doesn't want to be buried and b) These are the dark kings of the underworld, you really think they won't figure this one out?
C-

Time Consuming (Romanian)
Remove heart, cut in two; garlic in mouth, nail in head
Let's face it, you're gonna need a large team to get this one co-ordinated. No lone gunman against the undead is going to manage to cut a vamps heart in two whilst it's still rampaging around trying to get the grlic out of it's mouth.
Anyway, I think the garlic probably works more along the lines of cleaning your teeth and then drinking orange juice; It ruins the taste of the blood. And stops you getting laid too.
A A death worthy of Drac himself.

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so THATS what mountins are...clickie stitching - Ogre, on IRC

posted September 15, 2001 07:27 PM            

Nail its coffin shut: If you do it while he's inside he will be trapped, for as long as the coffin doesn't get smashed. I guess it's the same as covering with rocks, but at least Renfeld will have to break out the old claw hammer before the population can be properly terrorized again. B+

Pull out its fangs: That'll teach him. A little bit of dentistry to show who's boss, and who needs to bite people to live. Oh sure, you'll get some creative types popping in with creative bite substitutes, a straw comes to mind, but I'm sure the majority will just mope about, half-heartedly guzzling down tomato juice and red wine. That's like a vampire screwdriver! A-

A swift kick in the not-for-kicking parts: While not extensively documented in folktales and superstitions, I'm sure that a blow to the low-blow zone will incapacitate any species. Admittedly, a whack to the whacker won't work on everyone, as some 50% of Vampires lack a peter to punch, but for those whose bouncing bits can be bopped, then a smack to the small man is you best friend. A

Wait, I have one more: A manhandling of the man handle.

[Edited to say that I am so, so, so very sorry.]

posted September 16, 2001 12:02 AM            

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Due to a bizarre but logical series of events which I can’t fit on this single fortune, when you wake up tomorrow you will find yourself bald, covered in pudding, and free falling from about 14,000 feet without a parachute. - Popechuck
Please consider this advice the next time the urge for nudity and swine flesh strike in unison. -Spanielmander
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