posted September 12, 2001 05:32 PM            

WE WERE RAPED BY A SEX-CRAZED TURTLE!
I didn't read the article, so I don't know if the "we" refers to a group of individuals, or to us as a nation (in which case "sex-crazed turtle" is probably a metaphor for Dick Cheney), but the implications are compelling either way. I must admit that I saw this one coming for a while. Just one glance into its glossy, evil eyes and you can tell that you're dealing with one perverted beast. This goes for the sea turtle, too. B+

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL IS GAY!
This one I read, hoping for a tie-through to the Liberace article, but they seem to have missed that freebie completely. Apparently, this is all very scientific stuff that was actually WRITTEN in a BOOK by a psychologist. This book is supposedly "taking Europe by storm," but Socialism and the mullet did the same thing, so make of that what you will. B-

SNAPPING TURTLE BITES OFF VACATIONER'S TESTICLES!
See, I would think that publishing two articles about turtle/human genital interaction in the same paper might be excessive to say the least. But then again, they sell lots of papers, while I've set my microwave on fire, so maybe I shouldn't pass judgement. Anyway, yeah. The guy never got his testicles back. Considering the amount of flannel this guy is wearing in the photo, maybe that's for the best. C-

NEW REMOTE CONTROL DEVICE GIVES WOMEN ORGASMS -- AT UP TO 80 YARDS AWAY!
This is just another sign that the ever-promised Jetson style aircars are soon going to be a reality. Considering George Jetson's amorphous cartoon "package," I bet Jane would have sold Elroy for one of these little beauties. 80 yards though... she wouldn't know what hit her at that range (insert your own Ike Turner joke). D+

A SPACE ALIEN TRIED TO MATE WITH MY HARLEY!
Brilliant. A+

Edited because people hated on me for not bolding my headlines and grades. It's a brunch-eat-brunch world out there. Mmmm... brunch.

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"It is much easier for a writer to write than to think."

posted September 13, 2001 06:03 PM            

Bat Boy (does something)! Ye Gods I love Bat Boy! Who doesn't? From his big freaky eyes, to his Spock-like ears, to his hit musical ( www.batboy-themusical.com ), there's nothing not to love about him. Despite this, he seems to inspire little more than fear and beatings from an angry, mostly redneck populace. Poor little guy. You get a big A+ from me, Bat Boy!

Alien Backs (whoever): They drag this one out every election season, showing some naked Grey shaking hands with the upcoming leader of the free world. It seems that this alien has disturbing accuracy. This does little to impress me though, as it's painfully obvious that they just take a picture of the president shaking hands with an alien after the election, then send it back in time a month. Lousy frauds.C-

Virgin Mary Spotted on (food object that traditionally lacks the Virgin Mary, like a potato chip, or a cut of meat): We, as a people, are growing ever closer to saturation point for the Virgin Mary. She's everywhere! Go on, just try and buy some corn tortillias without the Virgin Mary on them. Go on. Ha! Now go order a pizza. Try it! HA! She wins again! In ten years, diner patrons will be mystified when they stumble upon some eggs that completely and utterly lack the Virgin Mary. Weerie.B

(Elvis or Lee Harvey Oswald) is alive and well! Ignoring, for a moment, the informative photograph of someone who looks vaguely like Elvis or Lee Harvey and the badly written accompaning article, isn't this an odd juxtaposition of dead guys? Are these the two people the world really wants to believe are still around? An increasingly mad, antisocial gun nut, and Elvis? (Obvious joke... bypassed) C

How to Tell if Your Guardian Angel is Gay! Yes, Spanialmander covered it well, but you missed the best line of the article.

quote:

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5. You are saved from a mugging by a man in ballet tights, who pirouettes away before you can thank him.

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There are two types of people in the world, those that can finish their thoughts.

[Edited because I'm carrying Bigfoot's baby]

posted September 24, 2001 02:37 PM         

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Like my diamonds? The Devil himself gave them to me...

posted September 24, 2001 05:49 PM            

quote:

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If you get to the supermarket in the next few days, check out the tabloids on the stands. The National Enquirer's cover says "Hillary cheated on Bill--and how the ex-prez found out." The Weekly World News says "Bill catches Hillary with Space Alien." I guess the WWN just digs deeper!

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