posted September 25, 2001 10:32 PM         

Anyways, after a week's haitus, The Onion returned with a Special Report: "Holy Fucking Shit - Attack on America"

• Hugging Up 76,000 Percent
  
• Jerry Falwell: Is That Guy A Dick Or What?
  
• Rest Of Country Temporarily Feels Deep Affection For New York
  
• Massive Attack On Pentagon Page 14 News
  
• Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone
  
• President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation's Ballad Singers
  
• Report: Gen X Irony, Cynicism May Be Permanently Obsolete
  
• Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad
  
• Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s
  
• U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With
  
• American Life Turns Into Bad Jerry Bruckheimer Movie
  
• Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
  'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers
  
• Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake
  
• God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
  

Also Point-Counterpoint ("We Must Retaliate With Blind Rage" vs. "We Must Retaliate With Measured, Focused Rage") and a nightly t.v. schedule (Animal Planet: 8:00 - Sharks: Terrorists of the Sea; 9:00 - The Noble American Eagle - Long May She Fly; 10:00 - Fuck Everything, Here's Some Zebra Footage)

quote:

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Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

...

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"

"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will, all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"

...

Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."

"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God as an excuse to kill each other—you've been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?"

"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm fucking serious!"

Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept.

---

The best humor is that which not only makes you smile, but makes you think, as well. And here, as well, the Onion succeeds in my opinion. It would have been easy to be flippant, or to ignore the issue entirely. Either would have been a mistake. By taking a humorous look at event of such magnitude, I feel a real service is performed; where we can come together and "deal with it" through the common bond of a chuckle or titter.

posted September 26, 2001 07:58 AM            

That was amazing. I didn't really know they had it in them. I knew that they were secretly compassionate people, even if in the abstract they can often say really terrible things... but this really surpasses my expectations.

I had only read the main page when the site became unavailable this morning. I guess everyone was waiting for the Onion's take.

posted September 26, 2001 08:21 AM            

Thanks Roup...I got to see some of it.

Reminds me of John Stewart's talk on the Daily Show. He said (in a really emotional monologue) that the best way to prove we won is to go on laughing.

The other part that really sticks out is he said: "The view from my apartment used to be the World Trade Center. Now...now it's the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that".

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Lisa! In this house we obey the Laws of Thermodynamics!

posted September 26, 2001 09:28 AM            

quote:

---

I agree that the perpetrators must be punished severely. But, contrary to what so many knee-jerk, blood-lusting Americans would like to believe, merely capturing and punishing them will not prevent this sort of thing from happening again in the future. No, they must be tried and convicted in a U.S. court of law, so that President Bush can, on live TV, pump bullet after bullet into their bodies, starting with their feet and slowly working his way up. Then, after a great deal of soul-searching and consultation with his top advisors, the president must toss their lifeless, bullet-riddled bodies into a shark tank.
--The Onion's Point-Counterpoint

---

posted September 26, 2001 10:14 AM            

Until I read "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake", I would have told you that it was impossible to be simultaneously sardonic and deeply moving in the same article. I know better now.

quote:

---

"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."

Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.

"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."

---

I've long considered subscribing to their paper edition. If I can get through to their subscription page, I'll do so now.

To borrow their phrase: "Holy Fucking Shit."

For posterity, here's a link to this edition of the Onion, that should still work when this edition is supplanted by the next:

http://www.theonion.com/onion3734/index.html

posted September 26, 2001 11:29 AM            

Nobody else has been able to find humor in this situation yet, not that I've seen anyway. The Onion actually came up with a whole issue that was (believe it or don't) tasteful. Well done, indeed.

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Lore> I want to go to the Jehovah's Witness paradise, 'cause you get to pet baby pandas.

babybabble

posted September 26, 2001 11:32 AM            

Both views in the point/counterpoint are intentionally wrong. The former blatantly so, the latter more resembling the people I've been arguing with for all this time. People who are doing their best to be calm and rational, but still can't see their way around the helpless rage at the core of it all, and wind up demanding vengeance in a roundabout way because they can't face it directly but they can't dismiss it either.

That's the most daring article in the whole issue. Hands down.

posted September 26, 2001 12:26 PM            

To quote Homer Simpson, "It's funny because it's true"

The Pentagon attack has been practically swept under the rug in comparison to the enormity of the WTC. It's sad.

jarbaby

posted September 26, 2001 12:28 PM            

quote:

---

"In the movies, when the president says, 'It's war,' that usually means the good part is just about to begin," said hardware-store owner Thom Garner of Cedar Rapids, IA. "Why doesn't it feel that way now? It doesn't feel like the good part is about to begin at all. It feels there's never going to be another good part again."

---

Yes, yes, 1000 times YES!! Haunting and lyrical is a tone that is nearly impossible to bring to satire. Bravo, Onion!!

posted September 26, 2001 12:57 PM            

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Lore> I want to go to the Jehovah's Witness paradise, 'cause you get to pet baby pandas.

babybabble

posted September 26, 2001 01:18 PM            

quote:

---

I'm sure you'll get a lot of this, but I wanted you to see what a bunch of us had to say.
http://www.brunchma.com/archives/Forum14/HTML/000702.html

This link is to a Brunching Shuttlecocks (www.brunching.com) fan bulletin board. The Onion has many readers there as well, and we'd like those at The Onion to know how impressed we are with this week's edition.

Thank you. Good work.

---

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Lore> I want to go to the Jehovah's Witness paradise, 'cause you get to pet baby pandas.

babybabble

posted September 26, 2001 01:28 PM            

Jesse> I cried at the end of the God story, too.

I read the Onion-style headlines (from straightdope) Flax posted in another forum, but a lot of those were too directly related to buildings falling, people jumping, etc. I couldn't take those at all. I think what the Onion mastered was the right amount of distance from the horror of the attacks.

Around Sept. 17, when work calmed down enough for me to goof off again, I had my Our Dumb Century with me and giggled at that a lot between stories (editing them). I think there's a cartoon with Arab terrorists raping Lady Liberty ... but then, there are a dozen such cartoons; just substitute a stereotype for the rapist.

Anyway, now is exactly when we need the Onion. And they did a tremendous job once again.

posted September 26, 2001 10:30 PM            

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BUNNY BUNNY PANCAKE PANCAKE -- megalita

posted September 27, 2001 06:18 PM            

I wish I was as good a satirist. But at least reading them yesterday gave me back some of the fire that had been burning low for the last couple of weeks. If it isn't impolite to put my own work up here, this is the column I wrote today:

SCENE: A secret top-level meeting of generals in a Holiday Inn near the Pentagon. The general with the most stars on his hat takes the podium.

General 1: Gentlemen, I have called you all here to reveal our plans for Operation Enduring Freedom.

General 2: Sir, ‘Enduring Freedom’? What does that mean, Sir?

Gen 1: Don’t you enjoy you freedom, General?

Gen 2: I do, Sir.

Gen 1: Well other people are enduring it. Here [pulls down map] is Afghanistan, which as you may know is somewhat bigger than France, slightly smaller than Texas. Intelligence indicates that Osama bin Laden is, [waves hand at map] there somewhere.

General 2: Can our intelligence reports not be more… precise, Sir?

Gen 1: The same intelligence that didn’t notice he was organising a plot to hijack four airplanes simultaneously?

Gen 2: Ah.

Gen 1: So our problem, gentlemen, is to find him. And we will find him. We will leave no stone unturned.

Gen 3: How many stones do we have there in Afghanistan, Sir?

Gen 1: At latest estimates, two hundred and thirty-four billion, seven hundred and thirteen million, forty-four thousand nine hundred and eighty-seven stones. [Pause] Not including boulders.

Generals in general: [Blink]

Gen 1: Therefore gentlemen, we have no choice. In order to turn over all those stones, individually, we are going to have to occupy Afghanistan.

Gen 4: But Sir! We don’t have the troops to occupy a territory of that size!

Gen 1: When I say ‘we’, I don’t just mean the army, General.

Gen 4: You mean to send the navy, Sir? But… it has no water. The navy has never successfully operated in an entirely dry environment, Sir.

Gen 1: No Sir, when I say ‘we’, I mean the entire population of the United States. All 278 million of us, making 438 Americans per square kilometre. If we can bring our allies on board here that could up it to more than a thousand of us per square kilometre, virtually standing room only. Then let him try to hide!

Gen 2: Sir, are you proposing to ship the entire population of the western world to the, the drought-ridden, sub-zero, famine-stricken, flood-prone, guerrilla-infested… Sir, adjectives fail me. This is insane.

Gen 1: Are you suggesting that this attack on the United States was the work of a rational mind?

Gen 2: Of course not, Sir. I…

Gen 1: And you are aware of the expression ‘Fight fire with fire’?

Gen 2: Yes, yes, but… What will they eat?

Gen 1: [Indicates map] As you can see, Afghanistan has a strategic border with Pakistan. The solution is obvious.

Gen 2: Sir?

Gen 1: Takeaways, General. We will order out.

Gen 3: Sir, over half a billion westerners, living on takeaway curries and squatting in the mountains. It’ll be… insanitary, Sir.

Gen 1: War is insanitary, soldier.

Gen 4: [Coughs] According to my calculations, Sir, Afghanistan will be a huge mountain of… of excrement in just a matter of weeks.

Gen 1: Precisely, General. We’ve done it to them figuratively, now we’re going to do it to them literally. Any questions?

WILL THE DESPERATE PLAN TO FLUSH OUT BIN LADEN SUCCEED? TUNE IN AGAIN.

posted September 28, 2001 12:51 PM            

The stuff I've read quoted here is, as has already been said, splendid. "Magnificently sane," yes.
I really, really want to read the rest of it.

posted September 28, 2001 12:51 PM            

The stuff I've read quoted here is, as has already been said, splendid. "Magnificently sane," yes.
I really, really want to read the rest of it.

Oh, and...
*chokes*
"...flush out"???
Yer sick, SergeiRichard. I admire that.

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-=> Toon