posted December 13, 2000 07:23 AM            

Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items: the sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the man sent the parcel to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last 3 weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and, although they were a little tight they looked really smart. She told me that the material helps
to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have the chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

posted December 13, 2000 07:48 AM            

Thanks Hallam!

posted December 18, 2000 03:45 PM            

The bartender says:"Gee that must be a bit annoying."

posted December 18, 2000 05:41 PM            

"Yeah I got it from my genie I keep in my lunch box."
"A genie in your lunchbox? Wow, that's convenient."
"Sure is, wanna make a wish?"
"Of course!"

So Dale summons the genie. Huge puffs of smoke engulf the two men. Then a large voice booms. "I AM THE GENIE OF THE LUNCH BOX! WHAT IS YOUR WISH!?"

Harold doesn't have to think very long, "I want a million bucks."

The ground rumbles, and almost instantly a massive flock of ducks flies overhead. The genie disappears back into the lunch box.

posted December 19, 2000 01:41 AM            

The bartender says, he says,

"Hey we don't server breakfast here!"

heh

posted December 19, 2000 05:42 PM            

How do you drive this thing anyway?

posted March 02, 2001 11:58 AM         

A rope walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says that they won’t sere a rope. So the rope goes out and ties a knot in himself (ouch that has ’ta hurt) and begins to undo himself. He walks back in and the bartender says, “Hey, aren’t you that same rope that was in here earlier?”
“No,” says the rope (this particular rope is a huge liar as well apparently), “I’m a frayed knot.”

posted March 09, 2001 11:00 AM            

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.

"He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

posted March 13, 2001 09:51 PM         

A grasshopper walks into a bar (or hopped, whatever), and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Hey you know we have a drink named after you.”
“Really,” the grasshopper replied. “You have a drink named Irving.”

*Rimshot*

Yes folks these are the jokes. Remember to tip the waitress, have a safe ride home.

posted March 14, 2001 11:01 AM            

The bartender says "what is this, a joke?"

heh.

posted March 14, 2001 01:44 PM            

(*waits for it*)

posted April 05, 2001 02:14 PM            

A guy is sitting at work, doing his job, when he hears a voice in his head that says, "Quit your job, sell you house, and go to Las Vegas."

The guy is a bit freaked, but ignores it. Soon the voice comes back, a bit more insistent, saying, "Quit your job, sell you house, and go to Las Vegas." He's even more freaked, but begins to wonder where the voice comes from. God, perhaps?

Moments later, the voice returns, even more insistent, saying "Quit your job, sell you house, and go to Las Vegas." He finally decides that this must be important, that something grand is happening to him, so he quits his job, eventually sells his house, and heads to Vegas.

"Ok," he says when he arrives, "Now what?"

The voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace." So he does.

The voice says, "Go to the roulette table." So he does.

The voice says, "Bet all of your money on number 6." With great trepidition, the man does.

The man watches the ball go round and round, and it finally drops onto the number 7.

posted May 02, 2001 07:06 AM            

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

posted May 15, 2001 10:33 AM            

The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land.

First, he visited Mr. Ching, the renowned scholar. Mr. Ching leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and poured over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: "Tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chicken."

Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription.

So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn't work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze.

posted May 16, 2001 02:26 AM            

Man walks into a posh fish restaurant, and decides to order squid.
As with the fish, the squid are still live, and swimming about in tanks, so the guy gets to choose his dinner.
He's not feeling very hungry, and all the squid look large and healthy...then he spots a small, green coloured squid, hiding in the corner of the tank. Although the squid is rather small, and appears to have a hairy growth on it's 'face', he decides it's just big enough for his meal, and selects it.

In the kitchen, the French chef, Gervaise, is having a hard time of it, bawling at everyone, especially the German washer-upper, Hans. When the squid comes in, Gervaise takes it over to the slaughtering board, and prepares to kill it with a large kitchen knife. As he raises the knife, a small tear trickles down from the squid's eye. It looks so small, and pathetic, Gervaise can't bring himself to kill it, so he calls Hans over. Hans is a big macho guy, but even so, the sight of another little tear trickling down the squid's face prevents him from dispatching it.

Which just goes to show that "Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervaise, with mild, green, hairy-lip squids"

------------------
BAD BORG! Back to your Cube!

posted May 16, 2001 02:56 AM            

*edits*

posted May 17, 2001 07:55 AM            

"He came is here a few months ago. We don't know what started it, but he simply told us to keep the beer coming. Then he started crying, and hasn't stopped since", said the bartender.

The man was puzzled. "Then what's the jar for?"

"You put in $20, and if can get the damn thing to STOP crying, you get the money."

The man smiled and put $20 in the jar. HE went over to the horse and began talking to it. The horse listened for a while, then abruptly stopped crying, instead breaking out i deep, raucous laughter. The man stood, paid for his beer, gave the bartender a generous tip, and walked out with the jar.

6 months later the man was back in New York, and decided to visit the bar again. When he entered, he heard the horse, still laughing, and saw another jar of money on the bar. This time it was filled with $50 bills.

The bartender recognized him, and motioned him over. "I don't know what you did before, but go do something and get that damn thing out of my bar!"

The man put a $50 in the jar and walked over to the horse. He whispered something in the horses ear, then led it to the bathroom. After a moment, the laughing stopped. Looking stunned, the horse walked out of the bathroom, paid his tab and left. The man walked out of the bathrrom as well. Before he could take the money, the bartender grabbed the jar.

"Ok buddy, you have to tell me: what'd you do?"

The man smiled. "The first time I came in, I told the horse I had a bigger penis than he did. The second time, I proved it."

------------------
*gawks* certainly, but where do you keep the marmott?

posted September 18, 2001 07:14 AM            

A friend of mine saw Bo Diddley, and while he was tuning, he was telling that joke. Someone near the back yelled "Showed 'im!" just before he got to the punchline.

He leaned toward the microphone and said,

"Hey. I'm working here. This is my job. Do I come bother you at your job and take away your broom?"

posted September 18, 2001 09:48 AM            

"Hey! I don't jump on the bed while you're working!"