What's the Difference... ?

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What's the Difference... ? (Page 1)

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Author	Topic: What's the Difference... ?
Dave Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 08:25 PM What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? beer nuts are $1.59 deer nuts are under a buck. chortle, snicker, guffaw ok, your turn. IP: Logged
Erratic Assassin Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 08:40 PM Groooooooan. Okay, here's some old classics. What's the difference between a viola and a violin? A viola holds more beer. You can tune a violin. A viola burns longer. Okay, but why does a viola burn longer? It's usually still in the case. ------------------ Help! Help! I'm covered in WEETABIX! IP: Logged
SnakeLady Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 08:55 PM What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other one's a fish. ------------------ Your mother sells office supplies in HELL! IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 08:56 PM Please please please please please forgive me for the joke I am about to tell.... What is the difference between a catburgler and a peeping tom? The catburgler snatches your watch. Note: If even one person contacts me and tells me this joke offends them, then I will delete it post-haste. ------------------ We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. [This message has been edited by Bombadil (edited February 24, 2000).] IP: Logged
Erratic Assassin Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 09:00 PM Well, if Bom can get away with that one, I can get away with this one... What's the difference between a tribe of devious pygmies and a women's tra$#%6^13vb_+_ `NO CARRIER` (that joke was just too tasteless to live.) ------------------ Help! Help! I'm covered in WEETABIX! [This message has been edited by Erratic Assassin (edited February 24, 2000).] IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 09:04 PM Um I am taking NO responsibility for Erratics joke. None. Zippo. Unh unh. Nada. I'm probably in deep enough as it is. ------------------ We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. IP: Logged
Erratic Assassin Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 09:17 PM On reflection, Bom, I agree. I took the liberty of censoring it myself. Besides, I expect most people around here have heard it anyway. Now I'll have to come up with something that's actually funny. Hmm.... ------------------ Help! Help! I'm covered in WEETABIX! [This message has been edited by Erratic Assassin (edited February 24, 2000).] IP: Logged
Kyla Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 10:09 PM I haven't heard it, and, Bomb, who do you expect your joke to offend? IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 10:25 PM Just playing it safe Kyla, I've seen people nearly do violence on hearing that punchline. ------------------ We've got a blind date with Destiny -- and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. IP: Logged
Kyla Self-Made User	posted February 24, 2000 10:33 PM Probably a good idea, but that . . . shocks me. IP: Logged
IsMaryann_WantsToBeGinger Cereal Subunit	posted February 25, 2000 01:54 AM This was told to me in London by a right proper lovely old gent, very active in the Church of England. What's the difference between a greyhound and a pedophile? The greyhound waits for the hare. (sound it out if it doesn't read right-- its a homophone kinda thing.) IP: Logged
Beckuary Cereal Subunit	posted February 25, 2000 04:20 AM MaryAnn-I don't get it. Huh. IP: Logged
Hallam Cereal Subunit	posted February 25, 2000 05:11 AM OK, joke, prepare to die... In greyhound racing, the greyhound chases a hare (it's actually a toy rabbit on a rail which shoots round the inside lane of the greyhound track.) The greyhounds are released and start running when the hare zips past them. So,they wait for the hare. A paedophile, on the other hand, prefers hairless sexually immature juveniles. He does not wait for the hair (to grow). Hare/hair, y'see. Homophones. ------------------ Fast and Bulbous! That's right, The Mascara Snake, fast and bulbous. Also, a tin teardrop. Bulbous, also tapered. That's right. IP: Logged
Dave Self-Made User	posted February 25, 2000 06:15 AM Just to take the temptation away from Erratic to actually tell that joke, i will do it for him. complaints can be directed at that very large gun over there. what's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team? one's a pack of cunning runts... Incomprehensibly Evil Dave strikes again! [This message has been edited by Dave (edited February 25, 2000).] IP: Logged
Aiki Self-Made User	posted February 25, 2000 08:51 AM Forgive me for this... *What's the difference between a porcupine and a mohel?* A porcupine pricks your skin.... (For all the Gentiles in the audience, a mohel is the man who performs the circumcision at a bris) IP: Logged
pixel Cereal Subunit	posted February 25, 2000 10:18 AM heard one similiar.. what's the difference between a nurse and a cheap prostitute? the nurse pricks your finger. ------------------ they say gold fish don't have memories / so their lives are just like mine / and the little plastic castle / is a surprise every time . . . home.comic.pita.diary . . . IP: Logged
Aiki Self-Made User	posted February 25, 2000 10:28 AM Yep, that's the same joke pixel, but mine has a (really bad) follow-up joke. What does a mohel carry his tools in? A bris-kit. note to self: Need to stop working in the legal profession. IP: Logged
IsMaryann_WantsToBeGinger Cereal Subunit	posted February 25, 2000 11:41 AM Oy vey. And thanks for the dissection Hallam. IP: Logged
babylonia Self-Made User	posted March 02, 2000 09:32 AM Only because I have the ability to laugh at myself... *How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?* That's not funny! ------------------ Repeat after me: unagi. Oo-NAH-gee. IP: Logged
tv's Spatch Shuttlecock	posted March 02, 2000 09:42 AM Being from the Five College area of Massachusetts, we'd use that joke as the variant for Smith College (or perhaps Mount Holyoke, both "girls' schools".) The Amherst College ("preppy") variant went "One to stand holding the lightbulb in the socket while the world revolves around him" and the UMASS ("party school") variant, along similar lines, was "One to stand holding the lightbulb in the socket, then drink so much the room spins." I can't remember the Hampshire College ("non-traditional hippy school") variant, but I do remember the joke that went "Why did the Hampshire College student cross the road? For credit." IP: Logged
nebulous menace Self-Made User	posted March 10, 2000 11:02 AM lightbulb jokes of death: How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware problem. How many sopranos [not Sopranos, ya lunk!] does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder and unscrew the bulb, one to kick the ladder out from under her, and one to say, "I knew she couldn't reach that high." ------------------ Reaching into his backpack, he pulled out a larger brain! IP: Logged
Erratic Assassin Self-Made User	posted March 10, 2000 01:53 PM Here's a variant on the programmer one: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None - we'll fix it in software. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None - we'll document it in the manual. How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? None - the user can figure it out. ------------------ Ever since childhood, packing material has always looked to me like something you should pour milk on and eat anyway. IP: Logged
tv's Spatch Shuttlecock	posted March 10, 2000 02:06 PM Oh my god, I love that soprano one. Reminds me of: Q: How many out-of-work actors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 10. One to climb the ladder and change the bulb and 9 to stand around muttering "That should've been me up there." IP: Logged
CairPaverl Self-Made User	posted March 11, 2000 10:02 AM Here's a strange one: How can you tell an idiot's been in your fridge? The punchlines don't match the jokes. Feel free to hurt me. IP: Logged
Erratic Assassin Self-Made User	posted March 11, 2000 02:42 PM Well, Cair, that goes with the old chestnut... How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb? Two - one to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Or if you're a minimalist... Fish. ------------------ Ever since childhood, packing material has always looked to me like something you should pour milk on and eat anyway. IP: Logged
Trench Cereal Subunit	posted March 13, 2000 01:06 AM stop me if you've heard this one. Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other, "Please pass the soap." The other penguin says, "What do I look like, a typewriter?" laugh track plays I heard that from a guy from junior high. He was an odd fellow. Then again, I thought it was funny... [This message has been edited by Trench (edited March 13, 2000).] IP: Logged
asd109 Self-Made User	posted March 13, 2000 11:51 AM It involves penguins. Therefore, it is good. IP: Logged
aslum Self-Made User	posted March 18, 2000 07:32 AM How many fish does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there! Have any of you heard the joke about the cannibal who passed his cousin in the jungle? How about the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself? ------------------ God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into a mountain and I had to eat him. IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted March 18, 2000 07:49 AM While we're on one-liners.... A termite walks into a bar, looks around, and says "hey, is the bar tender here?" ------------------ "No, I mean is there any venomous creature you're particularly fond of?" He looked out of the window for a moment. "There was," he said, "but she left me." -excerpt of an actual interview with a venom expert IP: Logged
IsMaryann_WantsToBeGinger Cereal Subunit	posted March 19, 2000 10:06 PM groan no, make that gah-roan**. Sadly when I first heard that termite joke, it took me a good five minutes to get it. It's all in the accentuation. (Um, is that a word?). Brain fuzzy. IP: Logged
IsMaryann_WantsToBeGinger Cereal Subunit	posted March 19, 2000 10:11 PM Just read ALL those to the folks at work. Here's my favorite from their favorites: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark. IP: Logged
pixel Cereal Subunit	posted March 22, 2000 02:58 PM ok. first of all, all of the people in the computer lab are sitting here looking at me.. "why is that strange girl laughing so hard?" Trench, I love you. ------------------ ///i hope you don't screw like you type./// ///visual//webpage//comic strip //ubb//pita//diary// IP: Logged
enchanted walrus Self-Made User	posted March 22, 2000 08:53 PM I think we need a dissection on the termite joke...bunny is slow.... ------------------ Rushing up to steps of the house, I suddenly found myself in a Tarentino movie. And I thought to myself "Oh hell". IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted March 22, 2000 09:02 PM Is the bartender here? (the person who serves drinks) Is the bar tender here? (soft enough to eat) **This message brought to you by the mighty Joke Hunter... ready and able to hunt down and kill any punchline. ------------------ "Pessimist: One who, given the choice of two evils, chooses both." -Oscar Wilde (See Bom. See Silent Bom. See Bom menace. Menace, Bom, menace.)* IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted March 22, 2000 09:04 PM A Nun, an Irishman, two lawyers, a Scotsman, a Priest, a Blind Man and a Duck walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "what is this? Some kind of joke?" ------------------ "Pessimist: One who, given the choice of two evils, chooses both." -Oscar Wilde (See Bom. See Silent Bom. See Bom menace. Menace, Bom, menace.) IP: Logged
Trench Cereal Subunit	posted March 23, 2000 01:31 AM Don't feel bad, EW, it took me days to get it. Pix - happy to be of service And that's the only joke I can remember on a fairly reliable basis, other than the one about the Nuns and the Pope, which I doubt I should go into here ------------------ When suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack! The cartoon peril was no more. IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted March 23, 2000 06:37 AM What do you get when you cross a hooker and a leprechuan? A little fucker (aw c'mon Trenchy, if IE Dave could get away with cunning runts....) ------------------ "Pessimist: One who, given the choice of two evils, chooses both." -Oscar Wilde (See Bom. See Silent Bom. See Bom menace. Menace, Bom, menace.) IP: Logged
Trench Cereal Subunit	posted March 24, 2000 12:09 AM Oh all right. But it's kinda long... Two nuns win a deep-sea fishing vacation. While they're on the boat, they hook a big one. The guide, reeling it in, says, "Man, that's one big somvabitch!" The nuns look at him dissaprovingly, so he makes a quick save by adding, "Oh, that's the name of the fish. A somvabitch." The nuns, never having heard this before, take him at his word. Sometime after they return to their convent with the fish, the nuns receive word that the Pope will soon be visiting. One says to the other, "Say! Let's serve that somvabitch that we caught!" Both of the nuns agree this is a good idea. Later, at dinner, the nuns and the Pope are all enjoying their meal. When they have finished, one nun sits back and says, "Mmm, that was some good somvabitch." The other nun replies, "That was the best somvabitch I ever had!" The Pope looks at the first nun and then the second, leans back in his chair, and smiling, says, "You fuckers are all right!!" ------------------ When suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack! The cartoon peril was no more. IP: Logged
Trench Cereal Subunit	posted March 24, 2000 09:40 PM And from the cricket section: A Very Large Cricket: Chirp...chirp...chirp... Hey, I didn't say it was funny, only long. ------------------ There are, of course, numerous other wonders of an extended illness, such as Not Going To Work and Female Nurses, and one should try to expose oneself to all of them if at all possible. -David Nielsen [This message has been edited by Trench (edited March 24, 2000).] IP: Logged
Bombadil Self-Made User	posted March 26, 2000 12:22 AM This just in.... What do you call a Jamaican Gynecologist? Pokey Mon IP: Logged

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